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We really didn’t get to know the first victims of The Cliffhouse Haunting’s own serial killer, Hammerhead, so we’d thought we’d take a moment and talk with them about their experience in our novel. We’re reasons of anonymity, we’re referring to them simply as “Vicky” and “Victor Victim”.
T & C: How are you feeling today?
Victor: I have a headache.
Vicky: Me too.
T & C: We’re sorry to hear that. Is it your sinuses?
Victor: Partly, but, uh … I think it might have more to do with the great big fucking holes we have in the sides of heads.
Vicky: Now, Victor, you shouldn’t swear like that during an interview! It’s not polite.
Victor: I didn’t say anything when you bled all over the sofa.
Vicky: (rolls eyes) Tamara, Alistair, you’ll delete the f-word, right?
T & C: Of course we will. Now tell us, what were you doing that day in the mountains?
Victor: We were hiking to Deep Creek. We were going to swim naked.
Vicky: We even brought joints!
Victor: Shhh! Don’t fucking tell them that!
Vicky: What, it’s legal here. And stop swearing!
Victor: Sorry. It’s just that my head is killing me.
Vicky: Mine too. My hair is never going to look good again. I just can’t cover this hole!
T & C: Joint?
Vicky: You know, weed. (giggles)
Victor: Shhh!
Vicky: What, that bastard probably killed us for it.
T & C: Mr. and Mrs. Victim, we can assure you that you weren’t murdered for your cannabis.
Victor: Well, what the fuck DID he kill us for then? My wife’s smoking hot body? She wasn’t even naked but man, look at those leg bones! You should’ve seen them before the vultures!
Vicky: Language.
T & C: He killed you for your souls. It’s kinda weird, we know, but it’s the truth.
Victor & Vicky in unison: Our souls?
T & C: Yes. He traps them in mirrors and keeps them in what he calls his Hall of Souls.
Victor and Vicky look at each other, then burst out laughing.
Vicky: What a nut job!
Victor: Crazy bastard! Who does that?
T & C: He calls himself Hammerhead and he kills people with a-
Vicky to Victor: Hammerhead! See! A hammer! I told you I saw a hammer!
T & C: It was probably the last thing you saw.
Victor: Well, I hope they caught the bastard.
Vicky nods vehemently.
T & C: We can’t tell you that. We don’t give spoilers.
Vicky: Spoilers?
T & C: You’re going to have to read the book.
Victor: The book? What book?
T & C: It’s called The Cliffhouse Haunting and it’s available now!
Vicky: We’re in a book!? Isn’t that wonderful, dear!
Victor: (grunts) Wait a minute. You mean to tell us that we died – in your book – and you have the nerve to try to sell it to us? What, were you born in a barn?
T & C: Yes.
Vicky: I think we should buy it, dear!
(Victor scowls)
T & C: Halloween is coming up. It will make a great gift for the season.
Victor: We’re dead, you assholes. We don’t even have a credit card, let alone cash.
Vicky: Language, dear. (turns to T & A) Well, I think it’s wonderful. I’ve always wanted to be in a book.
Victor: But we died in the book!
Vicky: Semantics, dear. Where is this book available, Tamara and Alistair?
T & C: Amazon.
Vicky: Well, as soon as this interview is over, we’re going to buy it. I don’t care what my husband here has to say about it.(Turns to Victor) My mother will be so proud!
Victor: Whatever you say, honey. Do we get any royalties from this book?
T & C: (Look at the ground and avoid eye contact with the victims): Look, we’ll go to the place you died and throw some flowers at your carcasses. Will that do?
Vicky: White roses. We’d like white roses.
Victor: Fucking roses, good call. You do that, we won’t haunt you.
Vicky: Language. You really will clean this up?
T & C: Yes. Sure. Thanks for your time. (They run away. Fast.)